Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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