Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
