So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
