Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
