I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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