Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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