fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
