I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
