Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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