I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
