can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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