I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
