my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
