I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
