I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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