Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
