i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
