I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
