I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
