i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize