it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
