I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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