even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
