You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
