i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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