Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
