Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
