if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
