I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
