I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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