Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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