First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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