Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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