i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize