Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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