If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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