Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
