The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
