Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
