i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
