It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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