New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
