You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
