I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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