I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
