If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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