Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
