I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
