If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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