Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
