I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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