I haven't been this sober since birth.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
