I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
