FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
