i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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