Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
