Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I would fuck him just for his dog
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I deserve this hangover.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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