Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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